


Deep Blue Sea

by Gloomier



Series: Tea's Fic Funbox [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Merpeople, Bilbo is not thrilled at all, Octopus Bilbo Baggins, dwarves are crabs, well a lot dwarves are crabs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 15:57:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11293941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gloomier/pseuds/Gloomier
Summary: Bilbo Baggins might be a (cute) grumpy blob of sunshine with a lot of patience, but there's only so much patience one can have when there are people invading your home!(or: Bilbo wants to murder all the things)





	Deep Blue Sea

**Author's Note:**

> A ficlet based on [some cute Octopus Bilbo art](https://moosefrog.tumblr.com/post/160996536026/grump-someone-is-a-grumpy-little-blob-of). Ficlet originally posted by me on tumblr, now on ao3. 
> 
> [There is now a small continuation of this au!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11840763)
> 
> I also added a mention of a starfish in this polished ao3 version of the original ficlet. The inspirational sketch (by Moosefrog as well) [can be found here](https://moosefrog.tumblr.com/post/161070212688/nwalin-week-i-wanted-to-draw-more-ocean-au-stuff)!
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](https://tea-blitz.tumblr.com/)

Bilbo attentively watches his immediate surroundings, waiting very patiently to pounce when the moment of opportunity presents itself.  . His chubby tentacles keep him secured to a rock, cleverly melting into the colorful stone with his camouflage. 

Out of nowhere, a giant silvery-white shrimp adorned with thin black stripes propels itself into Bilbo’s view. His kind - hobbits - have always been fast; before the shrimp can react, Bilbo’s already latched onto the prey, hugging it tightly. The creature in his arms squirms furiously, attempting to break free of Bilbo’s hold, but Bilbo is stronger. He releases one of his tentacles still gripping the rock, to wrap around the tail of the shrimp, allowing Bilbo to readjust an arm to grab at the shrimp’s head. Normally Bilbo would have opted to use his teeth, but mithril shrimp carapaces were just too hard to pierce through, even for his kind. 

The shrimp eventually goes limp in his grasp, and Bilbo feels extremely proud; it’s been awhile since he last caught a mithril shrimp, he was lucky to catch it off guard -  _ it’ll be good eating tonight, _ he thinks. Bilbo detaches himself from his hunting spot, flapping his fins to propel him away from the boundaries of the reef and back home.

The Shire is a massive reef, largely populated by hobbits just like Bilbo; plump little creatures with fat little tentacles, two flappy fins, and sharp tongues to go with their sharp teeth. There were of course other species that made their homes in the Shire, but Bilbo could only ever name the mermen that he saw occasionally drift their way through the market. The great east current broke itself upon the reef, and served as the Shire’s unspoken boundary. 

Bilbo’s home is situated on the edge of the Hobbiton, in a spacious little glade in the middle of a wonderful seaweed forest with an accompanying underwater grotto that belonged to his parents before him, and that his father had named Bag End. 

Bilbo places his haul on a slab of smooth, dark stone, balanced on a few smaller stones, that serves as his table and sets about trying to find something to pry the shell off his dinner. Mithril shrimp were considered a delicacy on account of how difficult they were to not only catch, but to get out of the shell. His mother had once told him about some sort of creature called a dwarf-crab or crabby-dwarf (by Yavanna’s frilly seaweed, he couldn’t remember) that had strong claws capable of cracking the shells of the shrimp with ease. Who could say that tale was true when no one in the entire reef had ever seen a  _ dwarf _ before, let alone spoke to one.

Eventually, Bilbo is able to get at his prize; he even has enough leftovers for supper!

Bilbo gently pats his middle, full and happy, and floats his way into the little sitting area decorated with all sorts of unusual nicknacks his mother once collected; there were bits of shiny stuff called glass, little metal doodads, and of course the shell ornaments she received from nieces and nephews. There’s a large half-shell tucked away against the grotto wall that he drags towards his father’s old sitting rock; it’s a round red rock, just big enough for all of Bilbo’s tentacles to curl over the smooth, rounded edges contentedly. He carefully buries his fingers into his collection of colorful little pebbles with holes in their middles when suddenly there’s a loud ruckus outside his home. 

The guffaws and yells are loud enough to send echoes through the many chambers of Bag End; the instinct to fight and defend himself prickle through Bilbo. Generally, the reef was quiet unless there was a celebration, but the next party isn’t for some time yet. 

Bilbo goes to investigate. 

Or rather, he rushes out of his home teeth bared, ready to kill… only to find an odd assortment of people setting up camp on his property. The majority of the group seems to be made up of crab-looking fellows, from what he can see of them, though Bilbo could have swore he saw a starfish attached to one of the crab-men. 

The discovery of joyful trespassers on his property only serves to enrage him further; he would much rather deal with a predator over loud, unruly vagrants. 

“Excuse me!” Bilbo shrieks. His fins flap him angrily towards these lobsters or crabs, whatever they’re suppose to be. “Just what do you think you’re doing? This is my property- _ no _ you pick that up. Don’t. You. Dare. Move that rock. It’s placed right where I want it!”

The intruders seem to not notice him, ignoring all of the indignant shrieking as they continue on preparing Bilbo’s little clearing to their liking. To Bilbo, it looked very much like they were making themselves at home. 

They could try, over his dead body!

It was only when he stood, nearly nose to nose with one of the crab-looking people that he was finally noticed, and certainly not in the way he anticipated.

“OH! Thought it was only us here,” the crab-lobster thing says  _ very _ loudly to Bilbo’s irate face.

The tops of their carapace and legs are shades of brown and black, streaked together with a smattering of white; pale-brown flesh protrude from the natural armor to form an upper body, similar to Bilbo’s own, with two arms and a head covered in lengthy, wild brown hair. A pair of great big claws are attached to the carapace just below flesh and sway lazily to and fro.

“You’re too adorable! What are you? Do you live here? Uncle! Look what I found. Can we keep it?” 

The man-crab-thing continues to babble loudly to his face, which only serves to feed Bilbo’s burgeoning ire. 

It comes to a fever pitch as the absurd creature does the unthinkable.

“Oh! look at those chubby, dangly things.” the creature says as one of their claws firmly pinches at one of Bilbo’s fat little tentacles.

Suddenly the immediate area is filled with a thick cloud of ink and righteously furious yelling in its midst.

“How dare you! You, you-whatever in the deep blue sea that you are! I don’t know where you awful, mannerless lot came from and I don’t care! This part of the reef is  _ mine _ and I’ll thank you to get off it and return to where ever it was you came from! Right this instant!”

When his outraged rant is done Bilbo swiftly retreats, under the guise of the ink veil, and returns to his grotto before he lets himself murder the lot. 

Bilbo only hopes they’ll be gone before he has to leave Bag End again.


End file.
